A friend entered a heartfelt POST where he lamented the trials of changing friendships and a "feeling of always being alone." I was moved by his honesty and wished to respond to everyone who often "feels alone."
Your sentiments reflect my own. In earlier years I grasped for friendship, honesty and loyalty as though holding on to a tree root in a futile attempt to survive. It was not just to survive. I held tightly until whom I thought was the right person! If they happened to stop, study my predicament and then scratch their chin asking themselves "should I get involved."
Unfortunately our society is developing an increasing rate of those "individuals" who adopt a "Me First" personal mandate to their life. Today with someone who expects, demands honesty, loyalty and generosity of assistance without thought or care, consideration or gratitude and most surprisingly without any sense of loyalty or any feeling of mutual empathy when comes time for a crisis you require help. These individuals rival the worst predators of nature's wilds. They lack a sense of guilt, consideration for others, no moral conscience and oftenno thought to the feelings of others or who they may damage.
They place their own agenda before anything else or anyone else and they will do anything to acquire or attain their goal. The irony is that once they go to any length to attain their goal or prize they find their apparent success is not what they expected or learn it something of short-term value to them after all!
Some of these individuals will never admit a mistake and will avoid any event where they may face even a hint a confrontation is imminent. Typically they hide their accountability behind a screen of secrecy under the guise of privacy and refuse to entertain any line of questioning as an event of the past as being "irrelevant" and now dismissed. Unfortunately the event or behavior may have occurred weeks or even the day prior! They resort to their own personal rationale where any further examination of their actions will only leave a feeling of now having any "weakness" to be exposed thus diminishing the concept as to being "perfect."
The primary motive is to adhere to a personal philosophy that "the end justifies the means" and half-truths, misrepresentation of facts, withholding critical details and if all else fails they resort to lie or a series of lies. Over a long period of time since this distortion of self is first imprinted, begins with denials of any blame of events they perceive as very serious, small or white lies and withholding all of the truth all to avoid any level of punishment.
Over time as they grow into teenagers with additional freedom the accumulated effect of their self-centered, win at any cost rationale becomes serious in nature and can lead to small crimes or worse. As they become older, more powerful and their attitude now embedded in the brain, their processing of everyday events becomes automatic and detrimental to their character and worse as they now are diagnosed as a sociopath.
What is sad and of concern to their family that they can rise above this affliction can be reversed and they can return to becoming into the sweet loving people they were always meant to be. They continuously tell lies, big or small, withhold important information and most compelling is that they develop a convincing alternative personality, often shy near those they know to exceed their level of competence and adopt a superior pattern of behavior among those perceive as peers. When they are surrounded by those intellectually or emotionally vulnerable, they can enter a "feeding frenzy" among those that fall in this category.
You my friend definitely have aura about you of a gifted, loving, honest and loyal friend to anyone fortunate to come into your life. Some may share your joys and sorrows for years while others will 'grow' apart in order to fulfill their own course in life and their contact may not last nearly as long or as often.
I see you as a talented artist; accomplished in many areas including your abilities to compose your thoughts written here that so few of this "me" generation would not even pause one millisecond to think about. They go about their lives blindly in some cases and in some they possess and inner goodness that allows them to lead what most deem as a happy normal existence!
Those of us who share a larger vision, a larger sense of responsibility of what we need accomplish and leave to this world once our time is over have what "We see as an overwhelming task and one that may bring constant worry and the stress we may never succeed, never have a concise career plan and will almost invariably feel alone! Shed yourself of that "toxic" title as you are anything but. You may believe so because you and I have been infected with the negative, self-serving poison of those we have always known. Hence one of biggest flaws is to grab the first of these pretenders that "reveal" little, "gather" much and use any sense of a vulnerability as method to diminsh your strength and leave you infected and weak.
It is painful much of the time, but I believe if you look inwardly, gather strength and call out to those closest, most will not let you down! You are of an age beyond your years and I think you have this knowledge and insight now that will serve you well as in the future while you cling for survival, a stranger may stop to offer questionable options as help, you will possess the means to tell the person to "move on dude, it was your twin that put me in this predicament."